Dewi Sokawati cannot imagine where that hope will take her child. She does not want to clarify what has not been clear. She thinks now is the time that she must wholly explain the rest of her life story. Therefore, to her son, the bajang demon, she tells the story of her life after she was asked by her husband Begawan Swandagni to throw her son in the Jatisrana forest.
The morning after the night where she had to separate from her son at the edge of the Jatisrana forest was very gloomy. Arriving at the hermitage, Dewi Sokawati was silent. It seemed there was nothing left to say, only sadness. And her sadness continued to creep over her, like tarulata plants coiling around tree trunks. The sadness was huge. However, she also had no intention of getting rid of it. In her shadow, her sadness would always be there, like the sadness of her abandoned child.
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She often thinks that she should have disappeared or died with her child in the Jatisrana forest. Every time she thinks so, she feels guilty. Why does she still want to live while her son has to die in the darkness and ferocity of the jungle? Every time she asks this, the clouds come lower and shed teardrops. She feels as if all power and feeling have gone from her body. Her body seems to no longer want to be touched by anything.
Begawan Swandagni is then immersed in the falling flowers, which are pale yellow in color.
Begawan Swandagni notices his wife's sadness. And he himself also always asks why such a long love and romance story must end in sadness. What is the use of him looking for the golden banana with all his hard work if, in the end, he can only meet the destruction of his wife. He expresses regret for everything that has happened. He daydreams that if he could have accepted his ugly son, all this sadness will not have happened. Whenever he dreams like that, he sees angsana flowers fall in the courtyard. Previously, when he had happily brought home the golden banana for his wife, the angsana flowers bloomed beautifully. Now, the fallen angsana flowers seem to say it is impossible for him to remedy everything that has happened. Begawan Swandagni is then immersed in the falling flowers, which are pale yellow in color.
"Sokawati, why doesn't your sadness end? Have you forgotten that by your side there is still a child who needs you and how beautiful his face is?” says Begawan Swandagni in a comforting and hopeful tone to his wife.
Those words are unable to comfort Dewi Sokawati. Upon hearing them, she becomes even more sad, and her heart seems to be pierced. "Begawan, why do you still call our child beautiful? You still discriminate between our children, as if the good-looking one is better and worthy than the ugly one? For me, there is no difference, both are our children. So, by throwing away our ugly child, it means I'm losing everything," says Dewi Sokawati sadly.
Begawan Swandagni did not think his wife had such thoughts and feelings. He is silent for a moment. He does not know what else to say. He begins to worry about the fate of his son who is now with him. "Must your grief negate the child you now have, Sokawati?" he said softly and sadly.
"No, Begawan. I will be with him until he releases the milk, to be weaned from my breasts. After that, I don't know if I can still live with my sadness," answered Dewi Sokawati. She does not have any thoughts that she can say with certainty about what is not certain at all. However, she feels highly certain that the sadness for her son who was abandoned cannot be replaced by anything. It seems as if she lacks the strength to fight the sadness. And she feels there is no need for her to fight her sadness.
Because now that sadness seems to be blaming her; why you were willing to be at the peak of your pleasure at that time and now you throw away the fruit of that pleasure? Fighting the sadness is tantamount to denying yourself.
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The sadness now merges with her, the same with the previous moment when pleasure merged with her, when she was satisfied with the pleasures of her body, at the peak of romance with her husband in the Jatisrana courtyard when the moon appeared full and very beautiful. That sadness now has a form, and that form is her ugly son, whom she has abandoned. The form of the child has disappeared, all that remains is the sadness that now clings to her. She looks at the gadung tendril creeping in the trees and imagines how sad she is like a tree on which the gadung trendril was creeping. The gadung flowers spread a fragrant smell, but if sadness is a flower for this life, it is only pain that she feels in her heart.
And what is seen is how sorrow has now simply become gloom on his wife's face.
It is impossible for Begawan Swandagni to be able to take away his wife's sadness. He expresses regret. And in his heart he admits the truth of his wife's words. This sadness even started from his happiness, when he made love on such a beautiful night. If he wants to get rid of that sadness now, he must also eliminate the happiness that he once experienced. It is impossible for him to do that. He can only stare at his wife with a guilty feeling. And what is seen is how sorrow has now simply become gloom on his wife's face.
"Sokawati, I know your sadness. However, I beg you, give your life to your son who needs your life. He exists and lives, Sokawati, so may I give him a name?” asks Begawan Swandagni.
"Begawan, if you want to give a name to this son, let me also give a name to the son you have thrown away," says Dewi Sokawati. Her words flow, as if being spoken without being thought any longer.
"Sokawati, does someone who is no longer present need a name?" Begawan Swandagni really cannot comprehend his wife's mind.
(This article was translated by Hyginus Hardoyo).
