Every time he thinks about it, he feels compelled to apologize for his lust. He enjoyed his lust when he made love to his wife Dewi Sokawati. But he rejected that lust when he learned it would give life to a demon child. Must he apologize for his lust? But if he must, it will be as though he is apologizing to emptiness. Because that lust has been slowly leaving him since his wife's passing, all the more as he is eaten away by regret. Therefore, the only possibility is simply to apologize to his son.
But where is his son? Will he come back to him? The smoke of the incense rises ever higher, as if a god has heard the grumbling of his hear. The sun has not yet set, and the calls of prenjak (wren-warblers) are heard, chirping beautifully one after another. Begawan Swandagni has often heard the beautiful call of the prenjak. But this time, their cries sound like the whispers of the moon, tearing through the dark clouds. And at that moment, he hears the voice he has most longed for.
Also read:
> The Bajang Child Swinging the Moon (45)
> The Bajang Child Swinging the Moon (44)
"Father, I have brought your son home. This is your long-lost Sukrosono," Sumantri yelled. His voice is trembling, incapable of holding back his bubbling happiness. Begawan Swandagni jumps up and leaves the place of worship, rushing to the front gate of the hermitage. He has not the slightest doubt that his hope will be fulfilled. He feels so confident that this time, he will received what he has so grievously missed. And yes, he sees Sumantri escorting a small demon to the door. Without a whit of hesitation, he rushes to the demon child and hugs him tight, as though he will never let him go.
"Sukrosono, my son, forgive me." These are the only words that can come out of Begawan Swandagni's mouth. He cannot speak anymore. His tears flow ceaselessly. He feels freed from his long-borne burden. This feeling has released him of all doubt, even if he is to die soon.
Sukrosono does not know what to say. He is simply silent. Never has his heart held the slightest grudge. Instead, he feels that he has found the happiness he has longed for in his father's tears. The tears wash away his worries, the possibility that his father might not accept him and that he might hate him still. The tears are enough to ease all the pain and sorrow he has endured. And as the twilight settles, he sinks into his father's arms.
Meanwhile, Sumantri has remained silent all this time, holding back his emotions while wiping repeatedly at his tears. And the night arrives, slowly.
Also read:
> The Bajang Child Swinging the Moon (43)
> The Bajang Child Swinging the Moon (42)
The three of them go out and enter the courtyard of the hermitage. The branches of the ashoka tree wave, the flowers are blooming yellow, spreading their fragrance and enticing the moon to rise. The kalangkyang (peregrine) calls faintly. It seems the moon can’t wait to rise, leaping out among the clouds. This is the night, which brings back memories of the time when Begawan Swandagni made love to Dewi Sokawati. The fruit of his lovemaking led to the regret that has followed him his whole life. How could I have thrown away my son, thinking that his ugly face was the fruit of my lust?
Begawan Swandagni gazes deeply at Sukrosono. The moonlight makes a sweeping gesture, as though it wants to help him see who his son truly is. When his son was born, there was no moon in the sky, as if to lead him into darkness. Now, as his son returns home, the sky is full of moonlight, as if to bring him back into the light. He looks at his son with the help of the moonlight, and he feels that this child is not as bad as he once thought. He is surprised and says in his heart, "I only saw him from the outside, but now I feel a pearl of kindness and honesty, which I will never have, resides within my son."
Sukrosono's homecoming seems to tear through his arrogance and give voice to his tender heart. "Indeed, my mind blinded me so that I could not see with the eyes of my heart. Regret has polished and matured my heart, so now my eyes are open to see that, indeed, the pearl of kindness and honesty hidden behind an ugly countenance. This ugly outward appearance should have compelled me to see the kindness and honesty on the inside. But I simply stopped at the outward appearance, so that the kindness and honesty were hidden from my eyes."
"Sukrosono, I do not think I will ever stop apologizing to you. Why is it only now that I can see in you a hidden pearl,” Begawan Swandagni said quietly. He knows that even Sukrosono will not understand his words. Therefore, he only adds, "How happy your mother would be if she could witness this meeting, my son." Then he looks up at the sky. He sees the moonlight forming streams of clouds that sway continuously, evoking the old memory of his act of love in the Jatisrana courtyard. He seems to again see his wife Dewi Sokawati, naked as she was then. For a brief moment, warmth and pleasure engulf him, making his heart weak as he says, "Why did I reject that beautiful lust in the end?"
Also read:
> The Bajang Child Swinging the Moon (40)
> The Bajang Child Swinging the Moon (39)
The shadowy memory of Dewi Sokawati disappears when the moon stops playing with the clouds. But the shadow has left beauty behind. And he is surprised when he sees that Sukrosono, his son who has just returned, is entirely beautiful. He looks deeply at Sukrosono. He feels that his son is not a demon child, but he is a human child like Sumantri. It even seems to him that Sukrosono is as handsome as Sumantri.
“Indeed, they are actually twins. How could I have had the heart to separate them?” Begawan Swandagni’s heart cried. He cannot stand to look at the beauty that radiates from Sukrosono. Once again, all he can do is cry. And his tears lead him to say these words to his two sons: “I believe I now wish to follow your mother, Sukrosono. Your beauty makes me long to see your mother again. Even to die now, I wish it." He embraces Sukrosono with fathomless affection, just like he used to embrace Dewi Sokawati, naked, in the Jatisrana courtyard.
As he continues to hold Sukrosono in his embrace, he turns to Sumantri: “My son Sumantri, your younger brother Sukrosono is of the same blood as yours. Love him, and don't ever leave him."
This article was translated by Hyginus Hardoyo
