The Bajang Child Swinging the Moon (18)

"Sokawati, do as you wish, but I must let you know, we will definitely be blessed with a boy similar to you dreams." Begawan Swandagni knows his wife frequently has desires that he does not understand, and he is forced to accept them because he loves her very much. Then he smiles, as he looks upon his wife.

"Sokawati, remember, our fun is not yet over. After completing this purification ceremony, have you forgotten the desire you have wanted the most since you were first pregnant?” says Begawan Swandagni.

"No, Begawan. It is impossible for me to forget it because it is for the sake of this desire that I have been willing to stay in my loneliness until my seventh month of pregnancy. Where is the golden banana? Why haven't you done something with it in this purification ceremony? I have been holding back all my appetite so far, now I want to satisfy it. May I directly take and eat the golden banana, Begawan?" says Dewi Sokawati, as her eyes shine with happiness at the golden banana on the top of the tumpeng (ceremonial rice cone) dish in front of her.

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"Sokawati, this is the culmination of your pregnancy purification ceremony. After conducting a long journey, accompanied by doubts whether I would get it, without me knowing how it would end, I finally got the golden banana you long for. Let me take it for you now, Sokawati.” Begawan Swandagni hands the golden banana to his wife.

Dewi Sokawati accepts it with pleasure. When she strokes the beautiful banana, she is surprised. She feels as if she sees again the flash of a pair of golden golek (dolls) that entered her when she made love to her husband on the beautiful night in the Jatisrana hermitage. She feels the pleasure of that night coming again, and relives how the sky that night was bright with the stars of kenanga (cananga) flowers, and the bamboo trees squeaked, moaning with the voice of sensuous delight, of a woman deeply immersed in love.

“Begawan, I don't think the thing I'm holding is a banana. Inside, I feel as if there is the passion of when we were both naked on that beautiful night in Jatisrana," says Dewi Sokawati, while continuously stroking the golden banana. With Dewi Sokawati's words, Begawan Swandagni is dissolved into the shadow of that night when he became loose and let love force him to no longer hold back his lust. He looks with pleasure at the beautiful fingers of Dewi Sokawati who keeps stroking the golden banana of her heart's desire. It is true, Begawan Swandagni also intensely feels that in the banana, which is now in Dewi Sokawati's grasp, there is a surge of himself and his body that he cannot hold back. The surge only gives a sense of immeasurable pleasure. Begawan Swandagni hardly remembers himself anymore. Yet in a flash he realizes he is doing a purification ceremony for his wife. It is inappropriate for him to allow himself to be seduced by the surge in his heart and the turmoil of his body and of his mind at a time where he should be calmly performing the sacred ceremony.

"Sokawati, don't play with the golden banana for any longer with your beautiful fingers. Eat the fruit immediately, and after you eat the fruit, don't forget to chew the peel too. No matter how sweet the golden banana is, its peel must be sour. But hold on, chew on, because according to Dewi Luhwati's message to me, you have to eat both. Both the fruit and its peel," says Begawan Swandagni.

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“Begawan, this golden banana is too beautiful to peel. Let me eat together, the fleshy part and its skin. Its beauty makes me feel that its peel might not be sour, I am sure even, the peel will be as sweet as its fleshy part inside. You have brought home what I want. In that golden banana I feel my only desire I have had since I have been pregnant with my baby. As Dewi Luhwati tells you, it is impossible for me to separate my desire into the flesh and its peel. I want to have both, Begawan, because they are my only desire,” says Dewi Sokawati with full confidence and certainty.

"Sokawati, do as you wish. By any means, you really have to eat the whole banana, both the flesh and its peel," answers Begawan Swandagni.

Dewi Sokawati looks at the golden banana. Her heart is trembling. She does not know why she feels as if she has to swallow light and darkness at the same time. She does not want to linger too long in that thrilling feeling, so she chews the banana, both the peel and fleshy part together. The cheerful chirping of finches is heard from the trees, but at the same time the walik birds make a sound like a cutting cry. Why do joys and sorrows come inseparably, like the fleshy part of a banana and its peel? Dewi Sokawati continues to chew the banana, the sweet and sour tastes are mixed together. She does no care whether the sweetness is due to the fleshy part, and the sour taste to the peel. And suddenly she feels as if her heart must accept, birth is like death. She cannot think that birth is sweet and death is sour. The two are one, both sweet and sour, like the golden banana she is chewing, the fleshy part with its peel.

Dewi Sokawati cannot understand all of it, she can only accept and feel it. And she is really happy, she feels as if nature is united in her happiness. There, the cheerful sound of the finches, or the sad cries of the walik birds, no longer exist. Dewi Sokawati looks up at the sky, where for a moment she sees light and dark rays, which come one after another, disappearing into a rainbow with unspeakable colors. Without noticing, Dewi Sokawati has chewed the entire golden banana as if, she realizes, she has just chewed life and death at once.

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"Sokawati, you've finished the golden banana. Hopefully you will be relieved for having satisfied your heart's desire. I didn’t have the heart to see you chew on that golden banana peel too. Didn't you feel its sour taste?” asks Begawan Swandagni, relieved to see Sokawati has eaten the entire golden banana.

"I don't taste sour or sweet, Begawan. What I remember is that the child in my womb wants the golden banana wholly, the fleshy part and its peel,” Dewi Sokawati answers briefly. It is impossible for her to explain all her experiences and feelings when she chewed the banana. She feels she has to keep all of it in her own heart. Even though she knows a time will come when, possibly, she has to suffer because of all those unspeakable experiences.

This article was translated by Hyginus Hardoyo.