Start Caressing Their Head

KOMPAS/DHANANG DAVID

AIL (16), a survivor of a suicide attempt showed a razor wound on his hand when he was met in Jakarta, Saturday (4/7/2020).

Ail, not her real name, was only in the ninth grade when she first tried to kill herself by drinking insecticide. Fortunately, she survived.

Ail is now 16 years old. Since her mother died when she was in the fourth grade, she had been objected to her father’s violence.

As a girl, it is as if Ail has replaced her mother’s role in the family. She manages household chores and takes care of her younger brother as her father works as a taxi driver.

However, whenever her father is not satisfied with her house chores, Ail is beaten. This is despite Ail having not only replaced her mother’s role but also helped to earn money for the family. Since she started middle school, she has managed an online shop.

However, he also often beats me. He said, ‘Now that you have money on your own, you rebel against me.

However, her father never appreciates her. On the contrary, he sees her as prone to rebellions because she has earned money on her own. “Since I was in the seventh grade, I have managed my online shop to help my father and he often asks money from me. However, he also often beats me. He said, ‘Now that you have money on your own, you rebel against me’,” Ail said.

During her middle school years, Ail often harms her hands to divert her distress, annoyance and disappointment over her father’s behavior.

Ail’s sorrow adds up whenever her father compares her academic performance to that of her younger brother. When she could not take it anymore, Ail chose to drop out of eleventh grade at a vocational high school.

To earn money, Ail also works as a housemaid in North Jakarta. “The last time my father beat me was when I was in the tenth grade. I was down. Then I ran away but my father did not look for me. When I came home, he said, ‘You’re a big girl now. You know what is good and what is bad. It’s up to you if you want to come home or not’. So, I chose not to. I was completely destroyed,” she said.

Neglect

Devan, a 21-year-old medical school student at a university in Jakarta, said that he had suicidal thoughts when he was younger. The thoughts appeared to him at least since he was in the third grade.

KOMPAS/BENEDIKTUS KRISNA YOGATAMA

Nina Alfa (42), a survivor of a suicide attempt, was found at her home in Bogor, Tuesday (7/7/2020).

It was not his parents’ physical or verbal violence that trigger it. Instead, it was their neglect that made him feel worthless.

“I have had a good life and good academic performance. The problem is that my mental health is neglected. Why? After I thought about it, it was because my parents could not communicate with and appreciate me as a third grader. I did not like how they treated me,” he said.

Also read: Child Victims of Violence Seek Support via Social Media

Devan did not know how to end his life at such a young age. To divert his mind, he chose to concentrate on toys, sports and talking with friends.

Among the triggers were fights with his parents.

During high school, the suicidal thoughts returned. At the time, he had even prepared tools to kill himself in his bedroom. Among the triggers were fights with his parents. However, he did not go ahead with the plan when a relative helped him. “I realized that there were people who believed in me. It was my escape and I stopped wanting to kill myself,” he said.

Now, as a counselor in Into the Light, a youth community for mental health and suicide prevention, Devan said that suicidal children often just wanted to be heard as they felt no one around them truly cared about them.

Trauma

Violence against children often left longtime marks when they reach adulthood. Nina, a 43-year-old housewife with four children in Bogor, West Java, found it hard to take care for all of her children. She joined a parenting class managed by a psychologist.

When she was small, she often saw her father’s physical violence against her mother and older siblings.

Nina said that her mother rarely caressed her and her siblings.

Whenever her father let out his anger by being violent towards her mother, she was powerless to stop him. Nina said that her mother rarely caressed her and her siblings.

She later found out that her mother was also a victim of violence in her younger days. “My extraordinarily vicious father and my neglectful mother influence my parenting style. If I don’t change anything, my children will do the same to their children,” Nina said.

Nina said that she found it hard to take her of her first two children. Just like her mother, Nina found it hard to caress them. As a result, both children often suffer from anxiety and routinely go to a psychiatrist.

Currently, Nina tries to be at peace with her childhood. Before making peace, Nina first reflected the incidents that makes her angry when taking care of her children. She does this by reminiscing her past.

Nina also often talks with her inner child. “I caress the little Nina. I told her that she was valuable to me and she deserved love. Then, I bring in my current self and I hug little Nina,” she said.

According to psychologist Agustina Untari, who is Nina’s counselor, Nina is one of many parenting class participants who cannot implement lessons obtained in the class as she endured violence from her parents during her childhood. “What we need to do is help these parents heal their inner wounds,” Agustina said.

KOMPAS/DHANANG DAVID

Psychologist Agustina Untari

According to her, every child must have his or her psychological needs of healthy physical and mental growth fulfilled. Furthermore, children must feel that they have the autonomy to determine what is happening around them.

She said that, in our society, not many people realize the importance of fulfilling children’s psychological needs. Many parents only pay attention to their children’s clothes, school, achievements and meals. However, not many parents know whether their children feel connected to them.

Therefore, whenever parents find it hard to verbally express their love to their children, at least start by caressing their head. Never be doubtful to show our love. (MDN/BKY/DVD)