The Demand to Be a Perfect Parent Triggers "Burnout"

When parents try to be perfect it will have an unhealthy impact on themselves and their children.

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Parents accompany their children on swings at Tebet Eco Park, South Jakarta, Friday (12/4/2024).

As a parent, there is often a burden to be a perfect parent. Parents want to make their children excel and achieve. The burden of being a perfect parent can make us physically and emotionally exhausted (burnout) which can lead to stress, anxiety and depression.

Researchers in their study have shown that the pressure on parents who strive for perfection actually has a negative impact. The negative effects occur both on the parents themselves and on their children.

The results of a national survey of 700 people conducted by The Ohio State University College of Nursing from June 15th to July 28th, 2023, in a study entitled "The Power of Positive Parenting: Proven to Help Parents and Their Children Develop," show the following data:

1. As many as 57 percent of parents reported themselves as burnout.

Also read: ”Parental Burnout”, When Being a Parent is So Exhausting

2. Burnout in parents is closely related to internal and external expectations, including that they be good parents, perceptions of other people's judgment, playing time with children, relationships with partners, and keeping the house clean.

KOMPAS/ADRYAN YOGA PARAMADWYA

Parents accompany their children to color kites at the Indonesian Kite Museum, Jakarta, Sunday (5/4/2024).

3. The more free time parents spend with their children and the lighter the load on structured extracurricular activities, the fewer mental health problems there will be in children.

4. The mental health and behavior of parents have a significant impact on the mental health of children. If their children have mental health disorders, parents report higher levels of fatigue and are more likely to insult, criticize, shout at, curse and/or physically harm their children (for example, repeatedly hitting). Higher levels of parental fatigue and harsh parenting practices are associated with more mental health problems in children.

Kate Gawlik, doctor of nursing practice (DNP), one of the study's lead researchers, said that based on her experience as a working mother of four, illusions and expectations of “perfect parenting” can be deflated. "I think social media is really having an influence," said the clinical professor at the Ohio State College of Nursing, Wednesday (8/5/2024), on the Ohio State University internet page.

I would rather have a happy child than a perfect child.

He gave an example, posts or reels or stories on Instagram show that people can walk around. This might make us wonder, why can they do it and I (as a parent who wants to be perfect) can't?

"We have high expectations of ourselves as parents; we have high expectations of what our children should do," said Gawlik. However, on the other hand, we compare ourselves to others, other families, and there are many judgments that occur.

KOMPAS/P RADITYA MAHENDRA YASA

Parents who spend their vacation by taking their toddlers to experience the natural atmosphere at Kopeng Treetop Adventure Park, in Getasan District, Semarang Regency, Central Java, on Thursday (11/4/2024).

Data from the study shows that the strong expectations of what Gawlik calls an "achievement culture" causes burnout. Furthermore, this triggers other problems.

"When parents become exhausted, they will experience more depression, anxiety, and stress, but their children will also experience worse behavior and emotions," said Bernadette Melnyk, Vice President for Health Promotion and an official at Ohio and Helene Fuld Health.

Therefore, he said, it is essential to face the fact if we as parents feel tired. Furthermore, we need to do something to take care of ourselves.

Be a positive parent

The new report by Gawlik and Melnyk provides an important update to their initial study in 2022. At that time, they measured the fatigue of working parents during the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic.

Gawlik and Melnyk created the first Working Parent Burnout Scale. The survey contains 10 points that allow parents to measure their fatigue inreal-time and use evidence-based solutions to help. The scale is included in the new report along with new guidance on positive parenting strategies, techniques and tips for forming deeper relationships with children.

Also read: ”Sharenting” Changes Parenting Patterns

"Positive parenting is when you give your child a lot of love and warmth, but you also provide structure and guidance in their life," said Melnyk.

For example, parents gently teach them the consequences of their behavior. This is much better, being a positive parent rather than a perfect one.

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A family is playing around an insect statue at Tebet Eco Park, South Jakarta, Thursday (21/3/2024).

Strategies that can be implemented include staying connected and actively listening to the child. Then, capturing, examining, and transforming negative thoughts into positive ones. Adjusting expectations for both parents and children. Afterwards, parents can reflect and act based on priorities.

"If perhaps you prioritize ensuring that your home is always clean, but then feel that you don't have time to go for walks every night with your children, perhaps you need to reorganize or find ways to make both things work," suggests Gawlik.

Melnyk said this evidence-based approach could help calm what he calls a “public health epidemic” of parental burnout.

"As parents, we cannot constantly pour from an empty cup. If children see their parents taking good care of themselves, it is likely that they will also grow up with those values. This has a significant impact on children and the entire family," said Melnyk.

"As one parent told me, 'I prefer to have a happy child rather than a perfect one,'" said Gawlik.