Senior Marriage: Everyone Has the Right to Be Happy

WILIBRORDUS MEGANDIKA WICAKSONO

A couple attended a mass wedding which was held in the framework of the 449th anniversary of Banyumas Regency, Central Java, Friday (28/2/2020).

The elderly may be old, but humans still need affection and have the desire to care and to be cared for. In need for greater care than that given by their children and grandchildren, some widowed elderly people decide to remarry. Senior couples may manage to build a new and happy harmonious relationship, but some face spousal conflicts.

Constitutional Court (MK) Chief Justice Anwar Usman (65) recently married Idayati (56), who is President Joko “Jokowi” Widodo's younger sister, in Surakarta, Central Java, on Thursday (26/5/2022). It is their second marriage after their respective previous spouses died.

Even age difference does not prevent a love-seduced couple from building a household, as experienced by Sondani (63) and Fia Barlanti (19), who got married on 18 May 2022 in Cirebon, West Java. The couple's marriage, with its age difference of 44 years, went viral on social media because of the fantastic dowry. The age difference is even greater -- 55 years -- in the couple Slamet (16) and Rohaya (71), who married in Ogan Komering Ulu, South Sumatra, in 2017.

Marriage among senior citizens or between couples with a gaping age difference appears to happen in society. The socioeconomic backgrounds of remarried senior couples vary, ranging from those who live in nursing homes, spending their old age in religious activity groups, to retirees, entrepreneurs and religious or political figures.

Let alone their marriage, the fact that they are entering the twilight phase of life draws negative public assessment.

The number of people aged over 60 years amounted to 29.3 million in 2021, or 10.82 percent of Indonesia's population. Public attitudes toward the marriage of elderly citizens tend to be skeptic, especially if their spouses’ ages are far below them. Let alone their marriage, the fact that they are entering the twilight phase of life draws negative public assessment.

Elderly people are viewed as being closely related to unproductivity, fragile health conditions and the last phase of life. Because of that, many people think they are deprived of the spirit for a worldly life, including spousal intimacy. In fact, not all elderly people suffer from aging conditions. Many still show productivity by continuing to work to earn income and build savings.

Psychological needs

A number of elderly people still harbor the burning desire to love and to be loved. Bereaved of a previous spouse, they seek to gain affection by remarrying. Lathifah Hanum, a psychology researcher for the elderly and a lecturer at School of Psychology, the University of Indonesia, said on Saturday (28/5) widowed elderly people might psychologically feel their need for affection was not sufficiently met by their children, which led them to a search for marital partners. She added that unfulfilled psychological needs could affect their sense of happiness and physical health.

WILIBRORDUS MEGANDIKA WICAKSONO

A bride and groom receive a marriage book in a series of mass wedding activities held in the framework of the 449th anniversary of Banyumas Regency, Central Java, Friday (28/2/2020).

The motivation behind remarrying for widowed elderly people vary, the dominant reason being that they want an intimate companion to talk to and share ideas with.

Cynthia Ayu Oktariza and Siti Rohmah Nurhayati from School of Psychology, State University of Yogyakarta, studied late-life marriage chronicled in a journal Acta Psychologia. In Volume 2 Number 2, 2020, they write that in remarriage, elderly men have someone who can care for them, serve them, become their friend whom they can share thoughts and ideas with, free them from loneliness on a daily basis in their late age or who can help take care of their businesses.

Meanwhile, immaterial motivation may be behind remarriage with elderly women aspiring to dedicate the rest of their lives for divine rewards by serving and caring for their husbands. Men are seen as imam and guardians as well as companions for them.

According to Langgersari Elsari Novianti, a researcher on marital and family relations and lecturer at School of Psychology, Padjadjaran University, elderly people’s reasons to remarry depend on their basic psychological needs. "Sexual needs can be outside the priorities of remarriage," she said.

As is common for young adults in the process toward marriage, elderly lovebirds need to get to know each other, find commonality, understand characters and introduce their partners to their children and relatives. Families may need to be given time to get to know more about their new would-be member.

"However, because elderly couples may have been through a previous marriage and feel superior in family status, the stage of acquaintance to children and families is often overlooked," Lathifah said. Sparing little time to get to know each other can ruin their marriage as they become aware of a spouses’ bad temper only after they live together, which can be depressing. Some elderly couples fail to build relationships with their families, which may cause their spouses to leave and their marriage status to be suspended in uncertainty. "When they decide to remarry, elderly people need to involve their children and children-in-law," Langgersari added.

Old couples also need to organize the household, starting from intimacy to finances and togetherness.

In fact, marriage for elderly couples is not an easy venture. As the number of elderly people increases, even for those who are still productive and economically able, late-life marriage poses more challenges. The National Elderly Day on May 29 is an opportunity for the state and public to be more aware about the rights of the elderly to live happily, including their desire to establish twilight romantic relationships.

(This article was translated by Musthofid)